Demystifying Romantic Love!

Note of Advice:

If your love is less than 18 months or been thinking of your lover/partner more than 90% of your awake time, better not read this further. You can read it after 18 months.

What is Love?

“Love is a craving like hunger or thirst”

“Love is blyind”

“Love is God”

“Love is a feeling, emotion”

“Love is friendship set on fire”

“Complexity, thy name is Love”

….

There are multiple definitions for this Romantic Love and everyone feels comfortable to choose what they feel more appropriate to them; nothing is wrong.

Love is very powerful – love reduces appetite, people kill for love, commit suicide for love and what not

The Anthropologist, Helen Fisher in ‘Why we Love’ have shown that being in love is accompanied by unique brain states, including the presence of neurally active chemicals (in effect, natural drugs) that are highly specific and characteristic of the state.

For example the people who are in initial state of Love will have the Dopamine hormone secretion more.

Let’s not go into too much technical part of it… it will really demeans the Romance in Love.

I believe,

      Love is a choice. 

      Love is nothing more than the decision you make. 

      It’s not something that happened to you without your knowledge. You opted for it.

I agree that when you are in Love, rational thought process in your brain will be overshadowed by your romance.

It is completely weird when a man in love says woman of his acquaintance is hundred times more lovable than her nearest competitor. How it’s possible? I can’t think of anything better to explain the insanity of the romantic love.

But that’s how we live and maybe nature had made us that way so as to remain loyal to our partner for our gene propagation.

If Love is a decision or choice, then what we consider to make a decision?

I believe these are the following major factors which are considered for making our decision (not necessary all factors are applicable to everyone):

L = f(l) + f(c) + f(C) + f(m) + f(F),  always  f(L) ≥ RL

L – Love

l – Lust

c – Compatibility

C – Comfortableness

m - Money

F – Family

RL – Minimum of Love

Why each constituent has to be a function? Because each of this in itself is subtle and abstract; varies a lot for each person.

Lust - f(l):

Lust is a strong sexual desire towards your lover/partner

Why Lust is f(l)? – Each one gets turned-on by different aspects from their partner. Some gets turned-on by looks, some men turned by the long and cascading hair of their partner, some woman seeing the bald men, some with good height, some with intelligent etc..,

Men can easily feel the lust when they see some erotic movies or even when they see some sexy models/actress in tv of their liking. That lust will not last for long and he can perfectly get the same attraction with the other woman next minute.

It’s not only the physical attraction but also how good the partner on bed may also play some role. In western countries pre-marital sex is very common and hence they can choose their partner based on how good he/she in bed.

Lust is obviously subject to change over the period of time. Chemistry of attachment can dampen Lust. This is probably why men and women in long stable marriages tend to spend less time in bedroom making love.

Lust and Romantic Love are not the same. Lust alone cannot make the Love complete.

Hence,

                 f(l) always < RL

Compatibility - f(c):

Compatibility - Capability of existing or performing in harmonious

This is about the like-mindedness of the people. Same Interests, thought process etc..,

You can feel the vibe between both of you. 

Why Compatibility is f(c)? – Each one of us have different interests and thinking of likes and dislikes. Some people like philanthropic nature in their partners; some likes political views of others, science, knowledge, etc..,

But why this compatibility has to change by time? It may not be always. But there may be cases; someone was an Atheist becomes more religious and spiritual for some reason which may not be liked by the other. Or there can be more compatibility if both of them become more religious or atheist.

How a person handles the personal tragedy or emotion also can be found only later point of time. Even highly rational person can analyze the relationship emotionally which can lead to differences.

Does compatibility and like-mindedness can fill in their life with Love? I would say No. It needs more than just compatibility.

Hence,

                 f(c) always < RL

Comfortableness - f(C):

Comfortableness - A state of being relaxed and feeling no pain

If you have compatibility can’t we get comfortableness? Not necessary.  

Its very likely that couple with same attitude and thought process can end up fighting with each other always. I don’t know if two highly dynamic characters can have a sustained relationship.

Many times its more comfortable to have opposite point of view than someone with same views for a sustained love and relationship. For example if one of the partners is very much interested in career and other person takes care of the family, then they can have comfortness in their family life, which can increase their love.

This too can vary on time as the expectations keeps on varying with time. Comfortableness can sustain the marriage but not love. It needs other factors too.

Hence,

                 f(C) always < RL

Money - f(m):

When I say money it includes the fame along with the materialistic aspects.

It is very likely that the person maybe rich in initial stages of love and not later. Also when in love he would have been more popular star and later become a flopper. Also the expectation on wealth also can change over the time. The things that money can buy can make a person more demanding and hence love can be lost. On other side more money can sustain the love and relationship.

This may be one of the reasons why most of the celebrity marriages end up in divorce.

As scientists say, “Men look for sex objects and women look for success objects”

As you know money and fame alone cannot sustain the love.

Hence,

                 f(C) always < RL

Family - f(F):

This has 2 parts in it; your father’s family and your family.

When you make decision of falling in Love with someone, you may consider how good he/she can fit into your father’s family. This is applicable at least on the Indian context.

Even if you haven’t considered your father’s family, after marriage your family will play a role in sustaining your love. Your kids will play a major role in it.

Scientists say two brain chemicals Vasopressin and Oxytocin creates attachment for male-female relationships, which can be seen in happy long relationships.

In Why we Love, Helen Fisher points, “As a man becomes more and more attached to his family, levels of testosterone can decline. In fact, at the birth of a child, expectant fathers experience a significant decline in levels of testosterone. Even when a man holds a baby, levels of testosterone decrease”

Family can sustain the marriage as it is in many Indian marriages. But it cannot sustain the romantic love between the partners.

Hence,

                 f(C) always < RL                                               

If love can change with time, the above formula will be a derivative of time:

            d( f(l))             d(f(c))                d( f(C))                d(f(m))               d( f(f))        

L   =    ----------     +     ----------     +     --------     +        --------     +      ---------

                    dt                      dt                        dt                         dt                       dt

At any point of time, L should always be ≥ RL

“Romantic love can stimulate you to sustain a loving partnership or drive you to fall in love with a new person and initiate divorce”, says Helen Fisher in Why we Love

Psychologists say on an average every person fall in love 7 times in their life time.

So, if you have lost a love, don’t worry you can fall in love with someone soon.

If Love changes over time, how to sustain it and make life happier?

           “Let there be spaces in your togetherness”, advised Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet

            You should understand that expectation from your partner will change with time

            Understand the changes in your partner

            Look for a good friend and companion in your partner than mere husband-wife expectations

            Revive your love with your partner time and again. Nothing wrong in flirting and falling in love with your partner again and again